What The?
by MotatoPotato
Summary: SJ. Vignette 4. IN PROGRESS. Finally updated! For Cam, pants are not optional. CH.5 now up
1. Huh?

**Title: **What The...?

**Author: **MotatoPotato

**Spoilers: **Unspoiled

**Season: ** 9-10

**Warnings: **SJ Ship. Companion to '_An Officer and an Idiot'_. Some language.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Sadly. I only twist what is there.

**Notes: **This is the fourth in a series of unrelated vignettes. This is the first of these to have multiple chapters (as soon as they get edited). 'Pants' for the British readers, should be taken to mean trousers, not underwear. Please tell me what you think...it's how I improve. Enjoy!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack stepped outside the sliding doors of the airport intending to grab a cab home. He stifled a yawn, feeling as if he would fall asleep standing any second. DC was kicking his ass. Before he reached the taxi stand he heard a booming "O'Neill". Jack grinned and turned to the left to see Teal'c leaning against a car.

"T! Great to see ya!"

Teal'c Inclined his head as he slid behind the driver's seat. "Welcome back to colorado, O'Neill. ColonelCarter is still on base. She wishes me to reassure you of her timely return tonight."

Jack covered another yawn. "Thanks." Both then lapsed into a comfortable silence until Teal'c pulled up in front of Jack's place. "Want to come in T?" He asked, leaning back in the open door.

All of a sudden Jack was on his guard. "There is not enough Jello on your planet, O'Neill." Jack jumped back in surprise as he sped off down the street, tires squealing.

"What the...?" Jack muttered, trying to figure out what had just happened. Maybe Sam would know. He trudged in the house and stretched out on the couch with a beer to watch some TV.

Some time later he awoke feeling the hair on the back of his neck rise. He squinted slightly and started to sit up before he saw the little pair of blue eyes. They were peeping over the edge of the couch at him, their faces just inches apart. Jack blinked in surprise. "Hey Fella." The little boy just looked at him with wide eyes. He must have liked what he saw because he lifted his arms asking to be held. "Where are your parents?" He started to swing the boy up as he got to his feet and looked the kid over. "Where are your pants?"

"Cam! Daniel! Get back here!" Sam yelled. Jack looked down in confusion. //Cam? Daniel? What the...?// He heard Sam sigh loudly in frustration. "Pants are not optional, Cam!" His lips twitched in amusement. The boy giggled and hid his face. Jack patted him on the back and finally found Sam looking under the bed.

"Hey."

She looked up, relief evident in her eyes. "Jack! Help me find Daniel!"

He looked at her quizzically. "Nice to see you too."

Sam ran a hand through her messy hair and broke it down for him. "You're holding Cam Mitchell. And Daniel is still hiding." They started moving through the house while she explained."P4M-983. Local practical joke powder used on unfamiliar visitors. Daniel and Cam don't seem to know anything about themelves.The inhabitants swear up and down that it wears of in 48 hours. Makes the recipient about three. But until it wears off, I've been ordered to watch Cam and Daniel. I'm sorry Jack. We should still get a couple days to ourselves, though."

Jack smiled when he realized she wasn't concerned that he might not back her up. Like it hadn't even occurred to her. Sam suddenly lunged under the dining room table and another little boy scrambled away, clearly terrified, wrapping himself around Jack's leg. Sam couldn't get near Daniel without him springing tears so she reached for Cam, who buried his face in Jack's shirt and held on tightly. She flashed him a smile. "Looks like you've got a couple new fans."

Jack rolled his eyes and leaned in to her to snag a quick kiss. "Why isn't Cam wearing pants?"

She snorted loudly drawing giggles from both boys. "He's like a damn eel! He wiggles out of them faster than I can put them back on." Jack kneeled down long enough to scoop Daniel off the floor to settle him on his other shoulder. Sam spoke up. "Guys, this is Jack. He's going to help watch you."

Daniel looked up earnestly. "Hi, 'Ack!" Cam just kicked Jack in the side with both feet and giggled away like a madman.

//What the...crazy little bugger.//

A few hours (and a few pairs of pants) later the boys sat leaning on both sides of Jack all struggling to keep their eyes open while Sam read to them from Jack's beat up copy of 'The Wizard of Oz'. She caught Jack's eye which gazed back sleepily. "Where are they sleeping?"

He shrugged. "Don't think there's much of a choice. They're too young to sleep in a normal bed alone. They can just crash in between us." They both looked a little sad for a minute.

"48 hours you say?" Sam smiled. "Actually at this point it's more like 36."

Jack let a smirk grace his features. "Score."

Sam got up and gently smacked the back of his head. "Cute." She lifted Daniel and made their way back to the bedroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

TBC


	2. Next Morning

**Notes:** Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this one!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam awoke slowly and started moving around a bit trying to find Jack's warmth. She finally gave up and opened her eyes looking around only to bite back a laugh. Obviously she wasn't the only one seeking her husband out.

Jack had shifted onto his stomach at some point during the night. That wasn't unusual however. What was though was that Cam was sleeping on Jack's back, clad in a t-shirt and diaper, somehow pantless (again) and his little drooling face resting between Jack's shoulder blades.

Daniel, who was sucking his thumb, had managed to wiggle his way into being crammed between an arm and his side. They looked like a puppy pile.

Sam knew she'd never be able to get out of bed undetected by the special ops puppy to grab a camera, so she slowly reached for her phone and settled for a fuzzier picture.

She then quietly got up to grab a glass of water. Sam returned to the room quickly to find a pair of amused brown eyes blinking at her sleepily. She almost laughed again and reached out to touch his wild silver hair.

He grinned lazily and closed his eyes while she curled back up closer to the boys and allowed herself to drift away.

When she awoke again the bed was empty. She pulled herself out of bed realizing there really wasn't any food in the house. She stopped in her tracks at the entryway to the kitchen.

There were pancakes on the table made into random (and poorly formed) shapes. The real astonishment came from all three of their appearances. Jack had flour in his hair, though she supposed either Daniel or Cam had put it there since they were covered from head to toe in batter materials.

"Where Daddy? You my Daddy?" Sam's heart twisted for Danny and for Jack when she saw the expression on her husband's face.

He crouched between their chairs. "Look Danny, I'm not your…" He trailed as Daniel and Cam's eyes started to fill. Sam heard a soft mutter. He sighed and spoke again. "I got ya, boys. Okay?"

Jack let out an "Oooof!" as he was nearly knocked to the floor under their flying weight.

He turned as he was untangling himself to see Sam watching them.

"Hey lady," Jack said briefly standing to give her a big kiss.

Cam giggled maniacally while Daniel said "Hi Lady!" She corrected him with her name. Daniel looked puzzled then smiled. "Lady!" Sam shot Jack a glare while he suddenly busied himself with a pancake.

Her glare intensified when Cam piped up "Lady wanna pankick?" She could just tell Jack was hiding a smirk.

//Well, payback's a bitch. // "So guys, did you have fun with _Daddy_ making breakfast?"

Jack's head shot up giving her a mock glare of his own as the boys started giggling and screeching "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"

He blinked. "Dammit Carter."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later that morning they found themselves at a nearby park. Both boys clung to Jack like a lifeboat. Daniel had buried his face in Jack's neck. He refused to be budged despite the ample playground.

Cam was far more fickle it seemed. He ran immediately to the little metal airplane on a spring. His giggles as he flopped around filled the air.

Jack held Danny against his chest with one arm, stretching the other along the back of the bench. His hand gently rubbed Sam's neck as she leaned in closer.

She sighed. This felt so normal and removed from their crazy lives. Of course, this normal moment was borne out of that crazy life. But that was beside the point.

She was also finding a wicked pleasure in knowing that Daniel was at this moment snuggling up against his best friend's chest. She started choking suspiciously as she imagined normal sized Daniel snuggling with Jack as he was now.

She couldn't help it. She started howling.

Jack looked up, arching an eyebrow. Danny just hid his face further, pulling his arms from where they'd been wedged between their bodies and wrapping them in a chokehold around Jack's neck.

He winced and tried to loosen the grip. He gave her a wry glare when she shrugged apologetically trying to stop the laughter. Jack sighed. "I'm gonna take this guy for a walk. Will you stay here with Mitchell?"

She nodded. Daniel slowly peeked out from Jack's neck as he stood and started to wander across the park to where the extensive expanse of sandboxes lay. Jack, knowing Daniel's introverted nature, come prepared for this eventuality. He grimaced as he sat on the wooden edge of one of the boxes. Danny watched in fascination as Jack pulled a handful of plastic fridge magnets from his pocket, burying each one in the sand.

Daniel had let go of him now and was leaning into the sand. "Will you help me find them again, Danny?" The little boy smiled widely and bounced enthusiastically. Jack had barely put him down before the kid was already poking into the sand inquisitively.

Jack couldn't help but smile back, moving back a few feet to a bench. Good ole Danny-boy. So easily distracted!

He watched Danny carefully brush around in the sand until he uncovered his prize. Jack snorted as he saw the boy examine each and every magnet with a thoughtful exuberance.

He barely glanced over as a woman sat on the bench beside him, another little boy running to the sandbox. Danny looked a little apprehensive but continued his excavations.

The woman spoke. "He's a cutie."

Jack smiled wryly. "Danny gets all the girls."

She scooted closer. "Must take after you."

Jack looked at her uncomfortably but snapped his eyes back to Danny when he heard a loud screech. It took all his years of Special Ops training to restrict his reaction to a slight twitch of the lips.

Daniel had the other little boy in a level three advanced hold Jack had shown him in their years as teammates. The other kid was so startled he had dropped all the magnets he had stolen.

Jack stood. "Danny boy."

The three year old looked up with his face in a fierce scowl. "Daddy! He tried to steal my arty-fats!"

The woman looked at Jack her mouth rounded in a large 'O' of outrage. Jack shrugged as he lifted Danny off the other kid. "He's an archeologist." The General said it as if that explained everything.

She huffed and glared as Jack swung Daniel over his shoulder, the little boy giggling happily. "Go see Lady!"

Jack rolled his eyes and jostled his friend. "Okay Indiana. We're goin'."

TBC…


	3. Pizza and Raspberries

A/N: I am really sorry about the delay. My job's been pretty demanding lately.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam's teeth grit tightly as she chased Cameron in what must have been the hundredth circuit around the slide. Her fingers gripped the small jeans she held in her hands so hard she could feel her nails digging into her palm through the denim.

He ran in circles, squealing crazily, until finally succumbing to dizziness. She sighed and cursed Jack for taking off with Daniel. Who wanted to spend time alone with a deranged toddler? Or teammate, as the case may be.

She finally caught up with him as he lay giggling in the woodchips. The screaming started when he noticed his discarded jeans in her hands. Sam lifted him, trying not to wince as he screamed and struggled against her as if she'd yelled 'Kree' and zapped him with a pain-stick. "For god sake Mitchell! What do you have against pants?!"

After several minutes she sighed completely exasperated. "Quit being such a baby." Her muttered words earned her disgusted looks from the mothers in earshot.

Jack heard Cam long before he and Danny could see the two. The General grinned when he saw Sam bouncing the kid looking like she was plotting some serious revenge.

He poked Danny's pudgy stomach to get him laughing when he noticed the toddler's lip wavering like he might join the party. Best nip that thought in the bud. Cam spotted Jack and immediately reached for him. Sam grunted and pressed him into Jack's free arm.

Jack didn't envy Cam the blonde fury he was going to have when he returned to his proper size.

He smiled as she pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, and squeezed Daniel's arm. "Now, who wants pizza?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Jack watched Sam's retreat to the ladies room, smirking. Cam still sat giggling, clapping his sauce covered hands together, clearly proud of himself. He'd decided her shirt was a perfect finger-painting canvas.

Sam wasn't bothered by the mess but she was having trouble separating Cam the man from Cam the boy. So she went to collect herself. Cam the thirty something was difficult to deal with, but three year old Cam was a new animal altogether.

Jack ruffled the boys hair as Cam bounced in his booster seat happily. Danny sat gravely eating his pizza, clearly just humoring Jack, waiting to get back to the pile of magnets in the older man's pocket.

"Hey Danny boy." The blue eyes rose to meet brown. "Want some more?" The boy just stared at him steadily. Jack grinned at the purely Daniel expression. "Okay kiddo. Guess we can just skip the ice cream then."

Both boys snapped towards him, looking absolutely scandalized. He lifted his arms. "Alright, alright. Ice cream it is." He chuckled and tickled the boys gently.

"Jack?" He turned, still smirking, his expression turning forced when he saw who it was.

"Heather." It was Sara's red-haired best friend. She'd never forgiven Jack on Sara's behalf; every encounter after the accident was forced and painful. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the two small boys.

"Been busy, Jack?" Daniel and Cam had both looked up at her tone, their face almost comically folding into identical scowls. Jack's face however had lost any expression.

"Oh you know, a little of this, a little of that."

The woman managed to paste a rather mangled pleasant look on her face. "Still playing GI Joe?" Her tone was loaded with a sharpness no one could have missed.

Daniel stood quivering, little hands balled into fists, in a characteristic display of righteous anger. "Leave him 'lone!"

Cam followed his lead, only in a more Mitchell-like manner. "You stink, mean lady!"

Heather looked a little surprised at the boys' defense. "Still got the magic touch with kids I see."

Daniel, meanwhile, was examining her hair. "Go 'way Hat-ore! We eatin'!"

Jack's mask almost faltered as he fought the urge to laugh at his friend. //Hathor?!?! There goes that mild mannered facade.//

Heather was looking confused. "Hat oar?"

The silver-haired man's eye twitched almost imperceptibly. Daniel climbed over into Jack's lap, and glared up at her. "Can't have him!"

Cam blew a raspberry.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam walked towards the table, already feeling the tension radiating from Jack's still figure. She knew he would know she was there, so remained silent as she lifted Cam up, wiping his mouth absently with a napkin. She couldn't help but wonder who the rather pinched looking woman was.

She caught Jack's eye and realized that while he was uncomfortable he was stiff not with anger but with the effort of suppressing the laughter she saw lurking in his brown eyes.

The woman glanced at her as she lifted Cam, then back at Jack. "Aren't your boys just the sweetest!" She grabbed Daniel's chin and shook his thunderous face a bit. "Looking out for Daddy like that."

Jack opened his mouth to tell her they weren't his boys but Daniel beat him to the punch. Jack had to give him credit. The guy had more guts than most of the people he'd ever run across.

"Daddy make pankicks and help me with arty-fats. I wuv him. I don't wuv you Hat-ore."

Cam kicked Sam in emphasis. "Yeah!"

"You never even saw Hat-ore!"

"Did so!"

"Be nice, kids." Jack decided now was a good point to step in. "Sorry about the munchkins. Pizza makes 'em hyper." Jack followed the other woman's gaze to Sam. "Heather, Sam, Sam, Heather."

Heather was looking at him oddly. In all their strained encounters Jack had always just locked down in icy silence until she gave up and went away. True, she hadn't seen him quite a few years, but the difference was astonishing.

Amazingly he was talking to her. He also just looked…alive again. While she probably never would forgive him on Sara's behalf, Heather had to admit she was glad to see him looking human again. Before everything had happened, she had never liked the way he'd disappear for months, but she really had liked Jack.

Heather looked over the pretty woman holding one of the boys. "Nice to meet you." She then stuck out a hand to Daniel. "Peace?"

The boy squinted and then seriously shook her hand.

Heather cracked a smile at his earnest display.

Cam blew a raspberry.

TBC…………………………


	4. Lost

Sam cuddled Cam closely as his eyes drooped slowly closed. Jack held a sleeping (and drooling) Daniel in his arms as he maneuvered the key and pushed the door open with his foot. They both crossed threshold, feeling strangely warm.

Jack smiled at Sam as he created a nest of blankets on the floor and then laid Danny down as Sam followed. They both collapsed on the couch leaning into each other.

"I forgot what this was like." Jack looked wistful. "I missed most of this age with Charlie. But what I do remember was not nearly so…bouncy."

Sam managed to project comfort and snort at the same time.

Jack just sighed but without a trace of the turmoil Sam knew he was in.

He leaned back, recalling a conversation long ago with Daniel, when they were newly aquainted, on that fateful first mission to Abydos. His all important turning point.

Daniel stood firmly before him. "Don't you have people who care about you? Do you have a family?"

"I had a family. " Daniel stepped closer as he spoke. "No one should ever have to outlive their own child."

Daniel's gaze softened slightly. "I don't want to die. Your men don't want to die. And these people here don't want to die." He gazed steadily down at Jack. "It's a shame you're such a hurry to."

Those words, while they festered, did sink slowly in. On some level Jack knew he was right; knew Daniel as his conscience even then. His hurt choked his heart, but he started to think of Skaara; of his men.

Skaara approached and offered him a drink. Jack's thoughts began to swirl. He felt ill.

It was then he slowly decided to live again.

He was jerked from his thoughts as Sam pressed a feather light kiss on his temple, his cheek, and turned his head to brush his lips. His eyes burned into hers.

"You're here." She said simply as if she could read his wandering mind. "You have family." Her smile lit the room. "You're a damn good father."

His eyes strayed to the two sleeping miscreants. An unusual open affection stirred across his features. "I'll never let them live this down." He smirked. "They are damn cute though." He brushed Sam's hair as he stood, grabbing his camera from the hallway table.

Sam looked at him with a devilish twinkle in her deep blue eyes. "What do you think about making some albums? Daniel looked awful cute with pizza in his hair."

Jack smiled, a spark lighting his eyes as a rare true smile lit his features like a Christmas tree. "I knew there was a reason I was pulled to you."

Sam smacked his arm. "Jackass."

He smirked. "I thought that was established." He paused, a slow, predatory smile spread across his face. "Homewrecker."

She grinned, and cast a glance at the sleeping boys, even as Jack flicked the monitor on they had purchased earlier, reached for her hand, and pulled her along the hallway.

Jack told her exactly how much he loved her with his dancing fingers and fiery lips.

"Lady?"

They both froze and then Sam shot up grabbing at the sheets, knocking Jack to the floor.

Sam flushed red. "What is it sweetie?"

Daniel smiled knowingly. "Nuthin'" He giggled and scrambled from the room, his high pitched squeals followed him as he went.

Jack scowled. "That brat so knows what he was doing! He is so gonna get it when he grows up."

Sam just smiled serenely, her flush fading. "I have a feeling he's going to be sorry enough."

Jack smiled dangerously. "Payback's a bitch. Even if he's mortified"

Sam just smiled and reached for him. "I love you."

Jack relaxed. "He's still gonna pay."


	5. Tiger's Tooth

**A/N: I will be replacing chapter 4 shortly after posting chapter 5. Please ignore any notification you may get regarding said chapter 4 as there is a bit I need to tweak in order correct a mistake. I apologize for the extra trouble, irritation, or annoyance this extra notification e-mail may cause.**

**That said, Enjoy Chapter 5!**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack grunted as he knocked his knee against the bed, swinging through the door. Sam was already ahead of him and he could hear the shrieks of delight coming from the two boys as no doubt she was scolding. He leaned against the doorframe, watching, as Sam chased Daniel around the coffee table while Cam chased her, his chubby little legs working hard to keep up.

Jack shook his head in amusement as he realized Cam once again was starkers from the waist down. He subtly grabbed his camera and started snapping photos of the trio. He paused, watching his flushed wife catch Daniel and haul him over her shoulder to squeals of pleasure and playfully tickle the squirming little brat.

Jack loved his wife. But at this very moment he didn't know if he had ever loved her more. He decided it was time for action so he grabbed Cam and snagged the little jeans lying haphazardly on the floor and somehow managed to wiggle Cam back into them without too much of a fight.

Sam looked up and smiled brightly as she hauled her Danny-sack over to where Jack was standing. "How about a trip to the zoo?" She asked suddenly. Jack's face lit as brightly as the two boy's as the words left her lips but then something darkened and lightened again almost too fast to detect.

Sam frowned. He cocked his head. "Charlie." She froze but he was already scooping up the boys and manhandling them to the door and all three were chattering excitedly about the animals they wanted to see first.

She shook her head in bemusement and followed, slamming the door tightly shut behind her, before Furling could follow. Not that they had seen hide nor hair of her since Jack had let her out of her carrier. 'Must not be a fan of munchkins' she mused.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack wished he'd thought to buy a couple of leashes. His boys were everywhere. Sam was desperately following Cam while Jack had a firm grasp on the excited Danny's little hand. "Daddy! Daddy! Candles! They live in da desert and don't need any water or anything!"

Jack smirked at Sam who was trying hard not to laugh. The boy started chattering excitedly about riding one and Sam had to laugh. In their house they had a very old picture of Daniel on a camel in front of a pyramid.

They looked at the snake house next and nearly were brought to tears when Danny piped up and started naming all of them after system lords. "An' this one's Baal, and this one's Nirrti, an' this one's…"

Next stop were penguins. Cam leaned in and said "I love the cold. I wanna go to antiurica someday."

Sam leaned in and whispered "Antarctica, sweetie. And I'm sure you'll get there someday."

His eyes grew big. "Yeah!"

The crocodiles proved to be the most amusing of all, however. Daniel leaped up to the fence and yelled "Chaka! Come out! Good Unas!" The crocs just blinked at him. "Na'an! Mmmmm Na'an!" One of the beasts yawned and sank into the murky depths of his pond. Daniel pouted. "Stupid Chaka. Din' wanna talk ta him anyways."

Jack was nearly bent double over the fence trying to hide his hysterics while Sam clicked away. They stopped for ice lollies when it became apparent the boys were starting to get cranky. They happily licked away getting sticky cherry goo all over themselves. Under the picnic table they were seated at, Jack grabbed Sam's hand and held it tightly. They watched the boys as they held onto each other, gently squeezing now and then.

When the boys were up and at it again, Jack led them to the gift shop. "One each, boys. Choose wisely."

Sam grinned up at him. "You'll be soooorrrryyyyyy…" as the two dashed past their legs and into the shop. Daniel was more sedate, examining and carefully looking around while Cam was plowing through everything, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

After careful consideration, Danny came back to them with a tiger's tooth on a bit of cord to be tied around one's neck. "Look! My own arty-fat! Can I get it pleeeeaaaasee?"

Jack smiled. "'Course lil buddy."

Danny's face lit up like a Christmas tree and he wrapped himself tightly around Jack's leg. "Tank you!" He squeezed harder. "I luv you!"

Jack ruffled his hair. "Me too, Kiddo."

Cam came barreling back with a big stuffed penguin.

Sam rolled her eyes and they checked out, heading for the exit.

"Now, who wants a nice burger and fries?" Jack had a smug yet guilty look on his face as the boys exploded and Sam glared at him.

She rolled her eyes and shrugged. After all these were her little boys (Jack included) right at this moment, and you only live once, right?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Two exhausting hours later they arrived home, Danny wearing his tooth proudly and Cam trying not to drop his penguin. "You realize they may turn back during the night, right Jack?"

He sighed. "No other choice, Carter." He got an unpleasant flashback to Daniel standing in the briefing room in a flag and shuddered uncomfortably. "We're grownups. We'll deal." As he spoke he pulled two robes from the closet and dropped them in arms reach.

Sam smiled brilliantly at her husbands antics.

She nodded, and kissed him as they cuddled the boys between them, falling deeply asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Sam, wake up." She groaned and cracked her eyes. Which then flew open. They were still small. They should have changed by now!

She and Jack exchanged concerned looks. "Perhaps a trip to the Mountain after breakfast is in order," Sam said slowly, running her fingers through the still sleeping Cam's hair. Jack nodded as she continued. "They probably should be checked. And we should contact that planet."

Jack grunted his agreement, even as he cuddled Danny in his lap. It was looking to be a long day.


End file.
